I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
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Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Autocorrect is my menesis
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password