WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
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What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
wtf is an acronym
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Someone just threatened to call me later
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
this is what they would have looked like, though