There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
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“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
the only organized thing in my life is crime
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*