“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
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Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.