ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
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Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.