[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
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PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?