Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
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Twitter fine art
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
So that’s what we looked like?
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand