I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
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If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Best spoiler warning ever
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM