Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
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[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.