‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
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When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
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Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
🖤✌🏽
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN