Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
You Might Also Like
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Are you ok, human???
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.