Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
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Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs