My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
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me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works