“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
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Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”