Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
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OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
💁🏻♂️
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Human are so complicated
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that