Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
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(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Breaking news:
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!