BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
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Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires