*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
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My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
How much for the goth pool noodles?
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better