Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
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*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?