Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
You Might Also Like
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*