“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.