Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
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There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
This kid will have a bright future.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it