Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
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As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”