Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
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My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet