All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
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I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
lmfao
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.