[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
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If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
This story is comedy gold 😂
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day