I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
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And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn