Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
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When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
#TopTip
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.