So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
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*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.