People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
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Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.