I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
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her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo: