me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
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Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Hey I worked for it too!
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]