A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
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The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Strange
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”