#Caturday
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Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
this is 10/10 content no notes
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
There is no “we” in pizza
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.