My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
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The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again