6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
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What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
I’d rather go liquor treating.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now