[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
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me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Animal poetry
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that