When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
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one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Always the camel, never the toe.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit