My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
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Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Poetry is my passion
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.