oh u like history? name everything that happened
You Might Also Like
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
True
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Stop it! 😂
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.