Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
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I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive