I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
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*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.