If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
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[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see