I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
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why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”