Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
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High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*