cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
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mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.