What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
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If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
So glad we cleared that up
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
#Caturday