No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
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Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Maths meets science
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”