Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
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[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
is nasa ok
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”