Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
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My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.